That's right, it's day eleven. Last day I posted was on the 6th making me four days behind. I'll try my best to catch up, but in reality I really don't care.
On April 8, 2011 my grandmother, Rita Johnson, passed away. I believe she was 85 so she had a long life. At least the last decade was spent in pain due to Parkinson's and a few other things. Within this last year she was really slipping. So I knew the time was coming close, I just couldn't comprehend how close. In my heart I know it's for the better, honestly I'd been half hoping for it because I know now she walks with God and is young and happy.
Still it's been really hard. I understand that my dad, my uncle, and my cousins are going through a tough time but not to be conceited I feel like it's been especially hard on my sister and I. I don't have a mom so she was the closest I could get. Especially since we spent nearly every summer of our lives being sent to my grandparents for various reasons (in high school it was because my stepmother didn't want us around and my dad complied...which only helps to show the lack of mother figure issue). Don't get my wrong, I love seeing them. Really, they were probably the closest family we have. I've probably seen my grandparents more in the last three years than my own dad.
I know everyone says I'm being silly but I really wish I'd made more of an effort to see my grandma more. I think part of it was that I didn't want to see her in pain. But what I wanted shouldn't have mattered. One of my last memories of being with her will be me trying to get out the door as quick as possible so we could house hunt. I wish I had been smart enough to know that you pulled out of certain death just long enough to say goodbye to us.
Grandma I miss you so much. I'll forever remember the warmth of your heart and your unwavering love. How much you worried for me and never stopped thinking about me. It makes me cringe that you're looking down on me now because I know I'm not the person that you thought I was. And even thought I know you don't care and will always love me, I'm really going to try to be a better person for you.
I'm going to end this now because I'm just becoming a blubbering mess. When my friends see me, I just try not to think about it too much. Honestly I just pretend like it's not happening so I can keep functioning. When the funeral/memorial happens I don't even know if I can take it. I'll just keep praying, and I know she'll help me through this.
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